


Drown

by lesadhoe (orphan_account)



Series: Hamilton Tumblr Prompts [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Song fic, What Hurts The Most - Rascall Flatts, and they are really stupid, oml this is really sad, stupid boys with stupid feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 03:29:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10868136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/lesadhoe
Summary: Requested by Anonymous: What Hurts The Most - Rascall FlattsAll sign of John Laurens is gone. There are no paintings hanging from the walls, no clothes on the floor, no desk full of sketches, no balls of paper around the trash can, no stains of paint in the floor, no coffee mugs forgotten, or empty bags of chips and coke cans.Nothing.





	Drown

**Author's Note:**

> Oml, lil beans, I cried while writing this. I hope you like it as much as I do! Enjoy! <3 
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr: @le-tournesol-en-deuil!

Alexander knew that it was going to happen at some point, but as he stares at the now empty room, he can’t help but close his eyes. Once. Twice. No, the room is still empty.

_Empty._

All sign of John Laurens is _gone_. There are no paintings hanging from the walls, no clothes on the floor, no desk full of sketches, no balls of paper around the trash can, no stains of paint in the floor, no coffee mugs forgotten, or empty bags of chips and coke cans.

_Nothing._

_‘Breathe.’_

The cold, vacant and now white walls -that were once a beautiful shade of blue- only reflect the evening light, highlighting the absence of the person who used to decorate them with beautiful drawn sea turtles, pictures and photos. All the furniture is the same color as the walls. The closet is empty too, the bed is done with -also white- blankets, and the window is wide open.

There is a white cat sitting on the window frame, looking at him with their big green eyes.

Alexander can feel their stare, and it gives him chills. So he keeps looking around the room, trying to ignore the furry animal, but the only thing that he finds is a handwritten letter. As he grabs the letter his eyes glaze over, and his hands start trembling.

The letter was wrote with John’s drawing pencil, and he know this because of how many times he has seen John using the pencil for his sketches, and the texture of it on the paper is now unmistakable under Hamilton’s eyes.

He unfolds the letter, and begins reading.

 

> _My Dearest, Alexander,_
> 
> _I tried. I swear I did, Alex. I’m so sorry. But I can’t do this anymore._

Hamilton feels his throat closing up. The words stare sadly at him, like a painful confession. Have you ever felt like you are floating? Like your limbs are loose, and everything around you is dizzy and far? That’s how Alexander is feeling right now. He feels like he’s sitting on a cloud, and that if said cloud is touched by the most light breeze…he’ll _plummet_.

_‘Breathe.’_

 

> _It’s been almost five years since I met you, three since I… fell in love with you. And I’ve been strong, I’ve tried so hard. I committed the mistake to try and  get away from you, because it hurt, and I thought that I couldn’t get over it. I ran, afraid of you, afraid of myself. And I hadn’t thought of your feelings. So I was rather surprised when you went back to get me. You didn’t ask why I left, you just looked at my eyes like you understood. I never told you._

A question repeat itself in Alexander’s mind. Over and over and over and over again. It rushes in his mind, non stop and merciless. Like a lightning striking again and again in the same spot. _‘Why you never told me?’_  ‘ _Why? Why? Why?’_

_‘Breathe.’_

 

> _After that, I decided to act like nothing happened, that I would eventually overcome it. Easy, isn’t it? And I wondered, was it really worth losing your friendship, for something as silly as my feelings? I decided that no, it wasn’t worth it. And I stayed by your side. This was two years ago Alexander. Do you remember?_

Of fucking course he remembers, Alexander, remembers it like it happened just the day before. Like it’s happening right now. He remembers the sickening feeling in his guts when he couldn’t find John. Unanswered calls and messages, and the slow passing hours trying to find John, sometimes haunt him at night. Alexander thought that it was the end, and he felt hopeless. But he still had to do something about it, he wasn’t going to permit it to end like that, so he looked for John. In every café, in every hotel, in every friend’s house, in every single place Alexander knew.

_‘Breathe.’_

The cat is now standing in front of him. Alex continues reading.

 

> _Before, what I felt for you, was simply the feeling of butterflies in the stomach. I was allowed to enjoy your smile, your presence, to hear your laughter, to have your friendship. But it slowly turned into torture. I was hurting myself._

Alexander lets himself fall to the cold floor, his back pressed against the cold wall. He tries to breathe deeply, but the air gets stuck in his throat as he starts choking on his sobbs. He feels the angry glares the, suddenly cold, white room is throwing at him. _It’s his fault, isn’t it?_

_‘Breathe.’_

Now everything makes sense. The way John looked at him, the breakfasts in bed, the countless portraits John drew of him, and the freshly made coffees on the sleepless nights. The stormy nights when John let him into his bed, whispering soft and comforting words in Alexander ear. The sudden distance John would put between them every time Alex had a date, giving him the same excuse, _“You need to be with your girlfriend.”_

 

> _I was rejected by you. How did I knew this? Because things between Eliza and you started to get serious. No, don’t get me wrong, my Dear, this isn’t your fault or hers. You are just so perfect together? And you are happy, my Dear. That’s what matters to me._

_Oh._

No. No. No. He- he broke up with her. They are not together. _Not anymore._

Alexander _can’t breathe._

Alex and Eliza started dating six months ago. They were okay, she is such a lovely girl. Alexander could tell that she loved him, but Hamilton couldn’t bear the fact that he didn’t love her back. He spent six months with her, but his feelings towards her never changed. Yeah, he loved her, but not in a romantic way. He couldn’t keep doing this, so he ended the relationship.

_‘Breathe.’_

Alexander looks at the now tear stained letter again, but that’s it. That’s the end of the letter. No _“goodbye”_ , no _“see you soon”_. Just… _nothing._

_‘Breathe.’_

He feels something warm in his lap, and when he looks down, he sees the cat curled, still looking at him. He heard something about a cat once…No, he has seen this cat before. Where? Oh, yeah, John’s sketches… How could he forget it? John wanted a cat in the apartment.

So Alex does the only thing he can do right now: he hugs the cat, the only piece of John he has left, and lets himself sink.

_‘Drown.’_

**Author's Note:**

> First time writing lams!!! I hope you liked it, and if you did, please leave comments and/kudos! THEY GIVE ME LIFE!!!!1!1! 
> 
> Shout out to my beautiful beta @smolchinerd! I would be nothing without you bby. Thank you so much for helping me with this, I love you! <3
> 
> Please check out my other works and my beta's! They are awsome ;) !!! I love you too, beans! Until next time!


End file.
